these recent days are tough. Pastor said something today, which seems to be speaking to me. I really wonder... is it really temporal? Honestly, I am getting so fed up with myself that at times it seriously feels as if it's a viscous cycle.

I hurt the friend closest to me again.
And then I get so upset.
I start to self abuse in some way or another.
And then it's isolation.
I don't really feel like going out, or mixing too much with many.

For some moments, I thought I was hooked onto paracetemol. Juz cuz I felt stress, I started popping. The previous time I took 5 at one go, my stomach started hurting.
And people started saying, I lost alot of weight. True, cuz I simply had no appetite for dinner.
And I took panadol/paracetemol without meals.

It was in the past...that it was the other way round. In fact, now it still happens.
First, I get hurt by people who I thought I could trust.
And then, I start to cut myself.
And then it's isolation.

But now it's not friends that hurt me, it's my own flesh & blood, family members. That was happening since the age of... maybe... 7? I can't recall, but I only remember my parents always saying negative things about myself... That led to inferiority complex.
I probably would have fallen into bad company if I didn't land myself in a convent school.
Those b*tches were stuck up...somehow I started to isolate myself from people in school ...
It only improved in my ITE days... At least the people were real.

Now I feel like a b*tch, I start to hurt the friend closest to me...unconsciously by accusing what happened in the past to a friend of the present. I feel so freaking stupid.
I want to love like Jesus. I don't wanna love out of my own love, cuz it seriously makes me feel like a person that ain't really loving... cuz of whatever happened before.

I don't know, but I start to cannot stand my own bloody behavoir.

I want to love, but I end up hurting.

Is it cause of the way I was brought up?

How parents used to poison my brain? About friends?
Or even the true stories that happened in my previous church/schools?