People ignoring my call, people serving... all the whatever nots...
I was seated behind the stage... with the Genrev peeps, south side... realized that sitting there was not that bad after all... Been ushering in the north for quite some time...I kinda like South now... And they kept on flashing the South side on screen... "ACKNOWLEDGE THE PEOPLE BEHIND" I was stunned, because when that happened, I was in the middle of the stairs looking for my seat AND FIONA SAID SHE COULD LITERALLY SEE ME FROM AFAR (ushering at the other side *DUH*)

I really hate to say and admit this...
I don't like being high profile with the youth...
there maybe pros, BUT LOTS OF CONS as well...

I've been bugged with insecurity for such a long time...
Yes, it is a relationship killer...

And I feel that recently, alot of people have been ignoring me... it sucks...
I hate that insecured feeling.. I hate it when I see so many people surrounded with friends and I gotta be like a social butterfly... I wished I belong somewhere... But many doors were closed, shut tightly... a few times I just felt like crying... I THINK I don't blame someone anymore..

After that wonderful prayer at women's meeting...

But I think things have been better as well, for now, at least...

Yesterday, I bumped into her... like literally, side by side...

She was walking to and fro, I felt like shaking her hand and say, "BLESSED CHRISTMAS!!!"

but no, I don't wanna risk myself being pulled to some security / leader or even being called to the police...

I am neither here nor there I don't feel a sense of belonging in my church...

Insecured...

Nobody wants me as a friend...
Nobody really wants me as a sheep...

I know of people who have left arrow officially, yet their cg still welcome them with open arms...
Many times I tried joining my ex cluster (same as that person who left cg), I get pushed away...

I feel so irritated... I hate it!!!

and Sand has been faithfully calling me out to her parties... (okay, one of the few church mates)
THANKS SAND!

Shervyn still calls me out (Yes, at least I'm happy a friend still remembers me)


When I was sharing with her about my loneliness, she said she understands how I feel, she too .. felt it before... but thing is, she's in 2 ministries...what about me?

The challenge comes when I'm struggling with something... spiritual... questions...
WHERE DO I GO?

Ask God? Easy as it sounds...
I do not trust my own discernment, my own choices... never confident about it...