Whilst we may wonder how any parent or person responsible for caring for a child could be so hurtful and destructive, it is less difficult to imagine the effect this can have on the victims of emotional abuse. The effects are devastating. Most people can’t imagine not ever being held by a parent, being told they are loved and comforted when upset, or imagine what it feels like to desperately crave feeling someone’s arms around them. What if this goes on for years and years? And what if this neglect is accompanied by constant name-calling, belittling and humiliation by the person or persons who are supposed to protect you from this type of behaviour?

Whilst some children are playing and beginning to discover the world around them with enthusiasm and innocence, others are experiencing an inner struggle, trying to survive in a world which doesn’t feel safe and which doesn’t provide them with the love and support they need. The extent to which abuse in the home can affect children varies from child to child as everyone copes in their own way and has their own unique set of circumstances. However, it is very common for victims of emotional abuse to feel worthless, coupled with an inner belief that the world is not a safe place to live in…that no-one can be trusted. The pain and anger which result from emotional abuse can have such a damaging effect on one’s life for years to come that it can lead to self-destructive behaviours such as substance abuse or self-harm and even suicide.

You've no doubt heard the adage, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." Well, it's not true. Name-calling hurts -- especially when the person doing it is a parent, a teacher, or a coach. Hollering and flashing your temper might strike you as a natural and effective form of discipline if you were brought up with it. But for children it may cause emotional trauma that results in long-lasting harm. Among other things, verbal abuse can undermine your child's self-esteem, damage his ability to trust and form relationships, and chip away at his academic and social skills. In fact, current research shows that verbal abuse of children can be just as destructive emotionally as physical and sexual abuse and puts them in as much risk for depression and anxiety.

What is verbal abuse?

You may be verbally abusing your child if you are doing any of the following:

• Name-calling, belittling, swearing, insulting. ("You are stupid." "You're a rotten kid.") Indirect criticism, such as disparaging your child to your spouse, also hurts. Just because you're not berating your child directly doesn't mean he doesn't hear it and feel the sting.
• Rejecting or threatening with abandonment. ("I wish you'd never been born." "I should put you up for adoption.") This kind of verbal abuse creates a sense that your child doesn't belong -- and isn't wanted -- in the family.
• Threatening bodily harm. Studies have linked verbal aggression and physical aggression: A Harvard study found, for example, that "parents who yell frequently are the ones most likely to hit frequently, and vice versa." Even if you don't act on violent threats, they may make your child fear you and distrust you.
• Scapegoating or blaming. ("You're the reason this family is such a mess." "If I didn't have to take care of you, I could have a better life." "If you weren't so clumsy, your sister wouldn't have gotten hurt.") Your child will think he's a bad person who deserves to be unhappy.
• Using sarcasm. Making a mocking remark, such as "Now that was smart" when he spills grape juice on the rug, might seem like a way to avoid direct criticism, but your child is perceptive enough to understand that you're demeaning him.
• Berating your spouse. A study at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, determined that children who see their parents verbally abusing each other are more likely to be depressed or anxious, and to experience more interpersonal problems of their own. Interestingly, the study also found that verbal aggression between parents was more traumatic to children than physical violence between parents.

What are signs that a child is suffering from verbal abuse?
• Negative self-image. This is the most common and pervasive effect of verbal abuse. Your child may say things like, "I'm stupid," or, "Nobody likes me." Or he may simply seem withdrawn, sullen, or depressed, all of which can be signs of a poor self-image. In defining emotional abuse, the National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse says that it "attacks a child's... sense of self-worth."
• Self-destructive acts. "Cutting" (using razor blades or knives to cut his own skin) and all forms of self-injury signal a problem, as do other reckless activities that put your child in danger.
• Antisocial behavior. The New Hampshire study found that verbally abused children demonstrated higher rates of physical aggression, delinquency, and interpersonal problems. Your child may hit other children, frequently quarrel with his classmates, or be cruel to (or even torture) animals.
• Delayed development. The slowdown may appear in your child's physical, social, academic, or emotional development. He may have difficulty making friends, fall behind in school, or engage in regressive acts such as rocking, bed-wetting, and thumb-sucking.

Does verbal abuse do any long-term harm?

Yes. Research shows that abused children are more likely to:

• become victims of abuse later in life
• become abusive themselves
• become depressed and self-destructive later in life
• develop anxiety

Helpful Bible Verses

“I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces” (Psalm 34:4-5).

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths” (Proverbs 3: 5-6).

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you” (1 Peter 5:7)